


Picking Up The Pieces: A Lams college AU

by I_wrote_my_own_deliverance



Category: Alexander Hamilton - Ron Chernow, Hamilton - Miranda, Hamilton - Miranda (Broadway Cast) RPF
Genre: Alexander Hamilton/John Laurens Angst, Alexander Hamilton/John Laurens Fluff, Alexander hamilton has depression, Anxiety Attacks, Anxiety Disorder, Anxious Alexander Hamilton, Bisexual Alexander Hamilton, College AU, Cutting, Dad Friend Hercules Mulligan, Depressed Thomas Jefferson, Depression, Foster Care, Gay John Laurens, Human Disaster Alexander Hamilton, Hurt Alexander Hamilton, I Will Go Down With This Ship, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, John laurens anxiety, Lams - Freeform, Lesbian Peggy Schuyler, M/M, Marvel fans, Marvel movies - Freeform, Minor Gilbert du Motier Marquis de Lafayette/Hercules Mulligan, Modern John Laurens, OCD, Panic Attacks, Past Abuse, Past Child Abuse, Past James Reynolds/Maria Reynolds, Past Rape/Non-con, Past Sexual Abuse, References to Depression, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Social Anxiety, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Suicide Notes, Triggers, Workaholic, Writer, anxious john laurens, depressed alexander hamilton, laf has trich, lams college au, modern Alexander Hamilton, mullette, mullette college au, panic disorder, trigger warning, why am i writing this its trash, workaholic Alex
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-02-12
Updated: 2019-04-21
Packaged: 2019-10-26 18:02:42
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 5,039
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17750813
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/I_wrote_my_own_deliverance/pseuds/I_wrote_my_own_deliverance
Summary: Alexander Hamilton is tired of feeling broken. He wants to start over, forget his past and have a fresh, new beginning at college. Then he meets John Laurens, who is a dorky, lovable goofball that also wants to get away from who he used to be. But things in the past don't always stay in the past. And promises are meant to be broken.





	1. Chapter One

**Author's Note:**

> Hello everyone! Just a warning before you read this fic: this work deals with a lot of heavy subjects such as self-harm, mental illness, eating disorders, sexual, physical, and verbal abuse, and other things that I cannot think of at this exact moment. If any of these subjects trigger you, I would advise you not to read this, because I don't want to cause any harm to your mental health! I will also have trigger warnings up at the start of chapters as a precaution.
> 
> Playlist:
> 
> Home-Machine Gun Kelley
> 
> The Call-Regina Spektor
> 
> Carry You-Novo Amor
> 
> Mansion-NF
> 
> Hide and Seek-Imogen Heap
> 
> Can You Hold Me-NF
> 
> Inner Demons-Julia Brennan
> 
> Therapy Session-NF
> 
> Lucid Dreams-Juice WRLD
> 
> 10 Feet Down-NF
> 
> At My Best-Machine Gun Kelley
> 
> Enjoy!

Alexander was on the verge of a panic attack.

He had just spent ten dollars he could barely afford to spend to get a bus ride to Kings College, and now he couldn't find his dorm, or the check in, or anything.

 _Okay Alex, just breathe,_  he thought to himself.  _You can do this._

"Um.. excuse me? Excuse me, sir?" He asked timidly to a man striding by with papers in his hands.

"Yes?" The man asked, looking up. He had a small name tag on his bright green sweater vest that read  _Mr. Washington._

"Do you know where the..um, where the check-in is? I'm kind of lost," Alex mumbled, blushing, and looked down and his hands, fiddling with his fingers.

"Ah, yes, of course. Don't worry son, new students are always getting lost, you're not the first one," Mr. Washington said, and smiled kindly. He pointed over to the corner of the courtyard, "The check in is over at the administration building. You can't miss it, it has a big sign over the door."

"Thank you so much!" Alexander smiled and re-shouldered his backpack, then grabbed his pitifully small suitcase, resuming his search. As he started to walk off, Mr. Washington called after him, "I hope to see you in one of my classes!"

As he made his way over to the admin building, he bumped into an older boy with an afro, almost getting knocked backwards as a result.

"Hey, watch it, fag," the guy sneered, and the boy trailing him, a burly dude with short, curly hair, glared at Alex as he walked past him. Alex rolled his eyes and kept his head down until he reached the admin building.

"Hi, um, my name's Alexander Hamilton and I, um, need my room key and class schedule...?" Alex mentally slapped himself upside the head. He sounded like a complete idiot.

The girl behind the counter smiled at him.

"Hi, my name's Peggy, and here's your schedule and your key." She had the kind of grin that was infectious. "I think your roommates' already in there, but I don't know," she added, eyes sparkling.

Alex reached out and tucked the key into his pocket, fingers fumbling.

He had just started to walk away when Peggy called back, "Hey Alex, if you ever need anything, I'm in Hawthorne dorm, okay? You seem like a cool guy."

He shot her a smile over his shoulder, then continued up the flights of stairs to the third floor.

As he walked down the hallway, he glanced down at his information packet, then looked back up at the room numbers.

"Room 1804, room 1804," he mumbled under his breath, and then started as he accidentally walked into the chest of a taller student.

Alex stumbled backwards, "Sorry! Sorry, I'm just looking for my room." He looked up-and then continued looking up. The other boy had to be at least 6'0, dwarfing Alex's 5'7 frame.

The boy smiled down at him and opened his mouth, "What room do you have? Maybe I can help you find it." He spoke with a thick French accent, and Alex was slightly taken aback-he hadn't met that many people who spoke french in New York yet.

"Um-room 1804," he said sheepishly, and the boy grinned even wider. "That is right across from me! Maybe we could become friends, oui?"

Alex smiled, his confidence growing, and the boy pointed down the hall. "Five doors down from here, on your right. I hope to see you around soon," he said warmly, and started off down the hallway.

"Thank you!" Alex called after him, and headed off towards his room, counting off doors.

He arrived in front of a dark-wooded door that had the number of the room on a brass plaque next to it that shone in the hallway light. Alex took a deep breath, then put his key in the lock and turned the knob.

The door opened to a small but tidy room, with twin beds pushed against either wall and desks next to them. There was a small mini fridge between the desks at the back wall, with a microwave on top of it. Two windows were next to the desks, so that when Alexander turned his head to the left he could see into the courtyard.

His bed was on the right, it seemed, since the other bed had an explosion of clothing and office supplies all over it. Alex gently closed the door, then set his suitcase on his bed just as a boy walked out of the bathroom. Alex looked up and immediately blushed.

This guy was  _hot_.

He was taller than Alex by a few inches, had big curly hair that was currently in a ponytail, and freckles were sprinkled all over his face.

Adorable, Alex thought.

He suddenly realized he had been staring for a quite awhile and resorted to heatedly looking at his suitcase instead.

"Hi!" The cute guy beamed and held out his hand. "My name's John Laurens."

Alex took his hand and offered a small smile in return. "Alexander Hamilton."

"Um, I can move my stuff if you need me to..." John trailed off and looked at Alex.

"Oh! Uh, nah, it's fine. I don't really care where I am." Alex shrugged and gestured to his stuff. "I don't really have that much here anyways."

He set his suitcase down on the bed and unzipped it, then started pulling out clothes and neatly folding them into the stack-able, refold-able containers he had brought with him.

He shoved those underneath the bed, along with his shoes, and plugged his laptop into the outlet next to his desk. It hummed to life, and he let out a small, contented sigh of happiness.

He rifled through the rest of the items on the bed and grabbed his shampoo, and headed into the bathroom before stopping in his tracks.

"Um... John?"

"Yeah?" John called from the other room, his voice muffled by the wall.

Why's there a turtle in the sink?"

John poked his head into the bathroom and grinned. "Oh yeah, that's Charlemagne."

"You have a turtle... named Charlemagne?"

John frowned and picked up the turtle. "Yes."

Alex saw the look on John's face and immediately backpedaled. "I didn't mean that I don't like it-"

"Him," John interrupted Alex.

"-him, I didn't mean that I don't like him, I was just surprised that you have a turtle... in the sink."

John laughed. "His tank is arriving sometime this week. I didn't have anywhere else to put him."

"Are turtles even allowed in here?" Alex asked, and John shrugged.

"I dunno, I just brought him along with me. I think so, but don't tell anyone just in case." He winked, "It can be our secret."

Alex snorted, "Yeah, okay. I think I can deal with that."


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I wrote this on fanfiction.net awhile ago, so the first like 15 chapters all are lowkey cringy, just going to warn everybody. I wrote this when I had no idea how to write fic (I was like 14), and I hate reading through it, so I'll probably end up going through it later and changing things up to reduce the cringe factor.

_Water sloshed everywhere. The storm howled overhead, thunder crashing down around his ears. Rain lashed at him, waves pulled at him as he clung to his rock. He tried to keep his mouth shut, but the water was inescapable. Salt stung the cuts on his arms and legs, and he let out a small whimper. Suddenly, a giant wave smashed him against the rock, causing Alexander to lose his grip. He thrashed in the water, trying to find his rock again._

_But it was no use. It was gone, and he couldn't see anything. It was blacker than squid ink at a new moon. His lungs burned for air until he couldn't take it. He opened his mouth, sucking for air, only to be met with water. He choked, sinking farther down, down, down..._

Alexander bolted upright, gasping. He felt nauseous, like he always did after having a nightmare.

He sat there for a few minutes, gulping air, before quietly climbing of bed and grabbing his laptop and getting back into bed. He sat with his back against the wall and turned his brightness all the way down so that John wouldn't wake up.

God, if John found out...

Alex shook the thought out of his head and started typing, every so often looking up to make sure his roommate was asleep. He fell into his zone. He blocked everything out and just wrote.

After a few hours, it felt like he could breath easier. His mind felt clearer. He shut down his laptop and walked into the bathroom, turning on the light. "Hey, Charlie, can I borrow your sink?" Alex whispered to the turtle.

The turtle didn't respond.

Alex grabbed his heavy-duty sleeping meds he had been prescribed for when he had nightmares and downed one with a glass of water. He stroked Charlemagne's shell before turning off the lights and climbing back into bed. He fell asleep a few minutes later.

X

"Alex. Alex, wake up." Alexander sat up, rubbing his eyes. "Wha-" John was smirking at him. "Dude, you overslept, like, by four hours."

That woke him up.

"WHAT!" He scrambled out of bed, looking for the clock. "John, what time is it?" "Um-" John squinted at his watch. "It's like 10 am. Why?" "Wait." Alex sat back down on his bed. "It's Tuesday, right?"

John nodded, then frowned. "Yeah, why?" he asked.

"Our classes don't start until Monday."

"Yeah, so? Alex, I'm not following you." John chuckled, and started to pull his hair back into a ponytail. "Why did you say I overslept if our classes don't start until next week?" Alex said, confusion in his voice.

"Oh," John said, and laughed sheepishly. "Whoops. I meant you overslept breakfast." Alex sighed, then rubbed his face again. There was no point of going back to bed now. And anyway, he had work to do. He slid off of his bed and grabbed his laptop off his desk.

"What are you doing?" John was watching him from his own bed. Alex opened his laptop. "Working."

"Working?" John looked at Alex like he had sprouted 6 more heads. "Why the hell are you working now? School hasn't even started yet!"

Alex shrugged. "I like working. Writing. It blocks out the things in my head I don't want to think about." He flushed a deep red. Shit. Way to overshare, Hamilton.

John gave him a quizzical look. "Alex... I know we just met and everything but... If you ever need to talk, I'm a good listener."

If it was possible, Alexander went even redder. He felt like his face was on fire.

"Uh-thanks, Laurens, really, but I'm ok."

John gave him a look that said he didn't believe Alex, but he let the subject drop. "Hey, my friends and I are going to a bar tonight. You want to come?"

Alex glanced up. John's face was adorably hopeful. He looked like a puppy who had just been offered a treat.

"Sure. But, uh, who are your friends?"

Suddenly, there was a knock at the door. And the knocking didn't stop. "Ok, ok, I'm coming, Jesus," John grumbled, getting up from the bed and walking over to the door. It swung it open to reveal a tall, burly guy in jeans and a navy sweater, with a knit beanie on his head. Standing behind him was the french dude Alex had met in the hallway the day before, with his hair in a ponytail and hands stuffed into the pockets of his windbreaker.

"Monsieur! You found your room!" The French guy laughed, barging past the other boy and smiling at Alex.

"Oui, monsieur, je l'ai fait." Alex said, causing everyone's jaws to drop. "You speak French?!" John exclaimed. Alex smiled and nodded. "I learned it when I was younger."

The French Dude grinned. It was obvious that he was ecstatic that someone else knew his own language.

"Weeeeelllll..." John said, turning back to the other guys. "This is Lafayette," he pointed to French Dude, "And this is Hercules." The other guy smiled and nodded at Alex. Alex smiled back shyly, ducking his head a little. "Alexander here is coming with us and the Schuylers tonight," John said, grinning.

"Wait...who's the Schuylers?" Alex asked.

"They're sisters," Hercules explained.

"Oh." Alex nodded, even though he still didn't really understand.

"I think you met Peggy, she works at the desk sometimes at the beginning of the year. She likes showing people around, she's a people person," John clarified.

"Oh yeah, I met Peggy!" Alex said happily. "She's cool."

'"Yeah, her and her sisters will be going with us," Lafayette said.

"Ok, cool." Alex smiled, but he really wanted to get back to work. His hands itched for his keyboard. "Well, I promised Herc I would make him cupcakes for lunch." Lafayette rolled his eyes. Hercules poked him in the side. "I want my food."

"I have to go feed my child," Laf said, rolling his eyes. "See you tonight." He glanced at Alex, then glanced back at John and winked. John glared at him before closing the door.

Alex paid no attention to the wink. He was already back to writing, his mind consumed with ideas. He fell back into his rhythm, and before he knew it John was standing in front of him. "Alex."

"Mmm?"

"Alex, did you eat anything today?"

"Go ask Charlemagne," Alex muttered. He wasn't really listening, he was too busy writing. Suddenly his laptop was yanked out of his hands. "Hey!" He exclaimed, grabbing for it.

"Alex. Did. You. Eat. Anything. Today?" John asked.

"What? No, it doesn't matter." Alexander snatched for his laptop again, but he was too short.

"Alex, Jesus, go eat something. I'm holding your laptop hostage until you do," John added, smirking. He slammed the lid closed and Alex let out a small whimper.

"Fine," he snapped, and reached over to his desk and grabbed a granola bar out of one of the containers he had brought. He ripped the wrapping off and stuffed the whole thing into his mouth, swallowed it, then held out his hand. "Hand it over." John rolled his eyes.

"Next time you're eating something sufficient," he said, and reluctantly handed the computer back to Alex.

 

X

"Want to see what kind of trouble we can get into tonight?" Smirked John. They were walking to the bar, which was only a block down from the college, and Alex was trying to figure out John's friend group. So far he had been walking next to Peggy, who was holding hands with her girlfriend, Maria. Behind them walked Peggy's sisters, Eliza and Angelica. Hercules and Laf were walking in front of Alex, shoving each other and snickering at dirty jokes, while John rolled his eyes and tried to keep everyone from accidentally walking into the road.

"Oh God, you're going to get hammered aren't you?" Angelica sighed and gave John a look. "You are so going to regret that tomorrow."

"It's a Tuesday, I know how to restrain myself," John argued.

"You absolutely do not."

Alex smiled to himself. He was starting to like these people more and more as time went on. When they got to the bar, John immediately ordered a pint of Samuel Adams.

"Told you," Angelica muttered to Alex, and he snorted. She grinned back at him.

Three pints later, John was grinning across the table at Alexander and the others were missing in action. Alex had no idea where they were, only that he was alone with a very drunk Laurens.

"Soooo... Alexander." John wiggled his eyebrows at Alex. "I have made a decision."

"John, you're drunk. Now is not the best time to make decisions."

"Nonsense," John slurred, and he pulled up a chair next to Alex. "I have discovered something."

"And what is this something?" Alex asked, scanning the room for any of his friends.

"I have discovered that I like you," John slurred happily, leaning against Alex's arm.

"That's great John, I'm happy for you," Alex muttered. He was still distracted, looking for someone to determine how drunk his roommate was.

"No, I _like_ like you," John grinned stupidly at Alex, who felt frozen in place.

_He's drunk, Alexander. He probably doesn't like you at all, not in that way._ "And when did you discover this?" he asked. He could at least play along with this until they got back to the dorm.

"When all of my decisions started to revolve around you."

"John. We've known each other for a day. You can't possibly do that. Plus, you're drunk. Extremely drunk. You don't know what you're doing."

"Mmm, yes I do." John murmured. "Drunk John says the things Sober John is too afraid to say."

"Angelica!" Alex stood up suddenly as she appeared, almost knocking John to the ground. "Thank God you're here."

"Why? What's-oh." She looked disapprovingly at John. "Laurens, I told you not to get drunk."

"Mmm," he hummed happily. Angelica sighed. "Can you take him back to his room? Eliza's flirting with some sleazeball and I'm pretty sure if I leave she'll get kidnapped or something." She looked at Alex hopefully. He glanced at John, who seemed to be staring at his fingers in fascination.

"Do you think he can walk?" Angelica nodded. "Yep. I've seen him worse than this. Unless he's puking his guts out or on the floor passed out, he'll be fine."

"Okay..." Alex said wearily. He hauled John out of his chair. "C'mon, turtle man, let's go."

"By Angie!" John said, stumbling as he walked. Alex rolled his eyes.

X

Alex shoved the door to his room open, almost falling over from the weight of the boy leaning on him, and dumped John on his bed. He rolled over and groaned into the pillow. Alex watched him for a few seconds, then went into the bathroom and changed into pajama pants and a sweatshirt. When he came out, John was snoring softly, curled up in a small ball on his bed. Alex grabbed his computer and sat on his bed, ready to get to work without being interrupted.

"Thanks, Alex." John murmured into his pillow. Alex looked up and gave him a small smile. "No problem."


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again--cringe warning

Alexander was furiously typing on his laptop when John woke up.  
His head hurt like hell. His eyes felt like they were made of sandpaper and his mouth was as dry as sawdust.  
"Ugh," he groaned, and rolled over to face the wall.  
Alex peeked over the top of his computer. "You alive over there, Laurens?"  
"Barely," John muttered. He sat up, his head pounding. He blinked a few times and looked over at his roommate.  
Alex had giant bags under his eyes. His hair was messed up and he looked like he needed a good nights' sleep and some food.  
"Alex, were you up all night writing?" He asked in amazement.  
"Mm-hm."  
"You need sleep!" John exclaimed.  
Alex looked up and John winced. He looked like he was about to pass out.  
"Nah," Alex muttered. "Sleep is for the weak." He went back to his laptop.  
John sighed. "Well, I'm going to go get coffee. You want to come?"  
"Sure...Just give me a minute to finish this paragraph."  
John got up and peeked over Alex's shoulder. "What are you even writing about?"  
Alex's breath caught in his throat. John was this close to him. He slammed his laptop closed and set it aside.  
"I just write about whatever. You know, what's going on in my head and-" he glanced at John, "-what's going on outside of my head too."  
What it his imagination, or did Alex blush?  
John realized he had been staring and quickly looked away. He had totally screwed up yesterday by saying that he liked Alex.  
_He probably got weirded out by you yesterday. And besides, even if he is gay, from the way he looks, he has the whole world to choose from for a boyfriend. He would never choose me. I'm just the turtle guy who no one likes._  
Alex looked at John.  
 _God, he was cute. But he would never go for you, Alex, you fuck up. You ruin everything you touch._  
John broke the awkward silence. "Oh! Charlie's tank is coming today too, so we need to figure out how where to put it."  
"We could put it against the wall next to the fridge," Alex suggested, shrugging. "I'm not really the best at decorating or anything, sorry." He gave an awkward laugh.  
"No, that's a great plan!" John smiled warmly at Alex. Alex fought to stop his face from exploding into flames.  
"Should we leave for coffee?" John suggested after a sufficiently awkward silence.  
"God, yes, I need caffeine," Alex said, relieved. They both laughed.  
_Is he flirting with me?_ They both thought. _Nah._  
\-----------------------------------------------------------  
"-and after the hurricane hit, I got shipped to the States. My mom was gone, my orphanage was gone, everything. So some rescue workers took pity on me and brought me back with them. I've been bounced from foster home to foster home ever since. No one really wanted a kid who was almost grown up when they could have a cute ten-year-old instead." Alex frowned at his coffee, then glanced up.  
John had an expression of absolute heartbreak written across his face. "Alex... I'm so sorry," he whispered. "And I thought my childhood was bad," he halfheartedly joked.  
Alex mustered up a smile. "But enough about me and my sob story," he forced a small laugh, "I want to hear about you."  
He blushed. Way to sound like you're flirting, Alex.  
"Well," John started, "my mom died when I was really little, and my dad... let's just say he likes drinking a little too much." He frowned. " I really do try not to drink, because alcoholism runs in my family, but sometimes I don't do that great with it," he added sheepishly. "Last night was the first night where I really got drunk in a long time."  
Alex nodded. "I get it. When my dad left... I was devastated. But I think it was for the best. He liked to drink and gamble too much, too." He offered a sympathetic smile.  
They were both quiet for a little while, then Alex spoke up.  
"So.... about last night. You said some things..."  
He trailed off, looking at John.  
John went red and stared at his coffee. "Listen, Alex, I know I said some stuff, but I was drunk."  
Alex's face fell, but he tried to hide it. "Yeah. Totally!" He forced a smile. "I get it, don't worry."  
He stood up and grabbed his coat. God, this was embarrassing. "Listen, John, I liked this and everything, but I really should go. I have some writing to do."  
"Wait! Alex, just wait." John stood and grabbed Alex's arm. Alex turned to face him and John dropped his hand and stared at his shoes.  
"Just because I was drunk doesn't mean that... that what I said wasn't true." He glanced up at Alex, who was looking at him with a puzzled expression.  
"Alex, what I'm trying to say is-"  
He was cut short as Alexander reached up and kissed him.


	4. Chapter 4

_Shit. Shitshitshitshit. What the hell Alex, WHY DID YOU DO THAT?!_

But John's mouth was so soft. And Alex hadn't kissed someone like this before.

Alex pulled away. John opened his eyes and stared at him, his mouth agape. "Um," he said.

_FUCK. FUCK ALEX HE DIDN'T LIKE IT WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?!?!!?!?!!!!!!_

John's brain felt like it was short-circuiting.

_Did... Did Alex just... Kiss me? And... I think... No, I definitely liked it._

Alex felt panicky. People were looking, weren't they? He glanced around. No one seemed to be looking at them, but it felt as though a thousand eyes were watching him.

John was still staring at him. Alex flushed.

"I...I have to go," he stammered. He grabbed his jacket off of his chair and fled the coffee shop, sprinting across the courtyard.

John's brain snapped back together a second too late.

"Alex! ALEX, WAIT!" He cried. He snatched up his own jacket and ran after Alex, leaving both of their coffees abandoned on the table.

As he dashed across the green, Alex replayed everything in his mind. John hadn't pulled away, but that could mean that he had been taken by surprise, not that he had liked it. And by the look on John's face, he had definitely been taken by surprise.

"Alex! ALEX, COME BACK HERE!" He could hear John yelling at him from across the quad. He picked up the pace.

Alex was running out of breath- and distance. He had covered most of the courtyard by now and was heading for the dorms. He had no idea where he was going to hide, but he had to think of something fast- he really didn't want to have to face John.

It was at that precise moment that his brain chose to panic.

_Oh my God. Oh my God. What's John going to think? What if John ISN'T GAY???? WHAT IF HE IS AND HE THOUGHT YOU WERE THE WEIRDEST PERSON HE'S EVER MET?!?! WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO, ALEX??! YOU HAVE TO LIVE WITH THE GUY FOR THE REST OF THE SEMESTER_

The thought hit him like a train. He hadn't thought about that before he had kissed John. He had to live with him for at least the next four months, no matter how this turned out.

He was near the dorms now. As soon as he got the chance, Alex slipped in beside one, leaning against the wall. His breathing was way up, his mind racing. Alex felt like his heart was going to jump out of his chest. He slid down the side of the building. He could feel his vision tunneling, his body shaking. In the back of his mind, he was telling himself to breathe, to do the focusing exercises he needed to do to control a panic attack. He knew he needed his medication. But the only thing he could really seem to focus on was how bad the situation felt.

From far off in the distance, Alex heard a familiar voice.

"Alex, thank God. I thought I'd never- Alex? Alex, are you ok? Alexander!" John sounded scared out of his mind.

"Alex, can you hear me? What's wrong?!"

"Panic attack," Alex managed to gasp out. He was trying to focus on John's words, but it was like trying to focus on one particular tree while driving past it at 100 miles per hour.

"Okay, okay, hang on, just breath, ok?" John was trying not to panic himself. "Alex, what can I do? Do you need water or-"

"Medication," Alex gasped, "Dorm. Bathroom. Red cap, orange bottle."

"Ok. Ok, I'm going to have to call Peggy to get it, I'm not leaving you here alone." Alex managed a nod, and John grabbed his phone out of his pocket.

"Please pick up, please, please," he prayed as he dialed her number.

She answered on the first ring. "Oh, hey John-"

"PEGGY! Thank God! Ok, I'm in the middle of a crisis right now, there's no time to explain, but I need you to go into my dorm room and find the orange pill bottle with the red cap on it. It's in the bathroom; I need it NOW."

"Ok, hang on, where are you?" John was amazed that Peggy was managing to keep calm while having all of this thrown at her.

"I'm at Morgan Hall. You still have a copy of our key, right?"

"Yeah, I'll be there in a sec."

John hung up and knelt next Alex. "Ok, Peggy's coming. She should be here soon. Just, like, put your head between your knees for right now and close your eyes or something." John bit his lip.

"I would, but I'm trying not to throw up or pass out- or both," Alex wheezed. He shut his eyes and leaned against the wall.

A minute seems like forever when you really need something, John thought as he watched Alex. It felt like a year had passed before he heard footsteps behind him. He stood up and whirled around to see Peggy sprinting towards them, the pill bottle clutched in one hand, water bottle in the other.

"Thank you!" He exclaimed, and he knelt next to Alexander again.

"Ok, Alex, how many pills do you need?" He asked.

"Just one."

"Ok, here." John placed one small, blue capsule in Alex's shaking hand, and he handed him the water bottle. Alex gulped it down and leaned against the wall again.

John didn't really know when he started holding Alexander's hand...it just sort of happened. But it made him feel better, like he was actually doing something. And he wanted his roommate to know that he was there, even after Alex stopped shaking and his breathing evened out.

Alex blinked his eyes open. He looked like he had gone a week without sleeping, and John was worried he wouldn't be able to get back to their dorm without passing out.

"You ok?" John asked tentatively. Alex nodded and stood up. He was a little shaky, but other than that he felt fine.

"Do you need anything?" Peggy still looked worried.

Alex shook his head. "I'm ok, really," he muttered. He was embarrassed; not many people had seen him this way, but at the same time he was too anxiety-ridden to care. He felt as though his body was on high alert, like there was something about to attack him.

When they got back to the form, Alex immediately went into the bathroom and started rummaging around in the medicine cabinet. John stayed at the door, leaning against the frame while he talked to Peggy.

"Thank you, Pegs, you've saved the day once again." John smiled at her, and she smiled back. "I'm just glad Alex is ok." Peggy peeked over John's shoulder at the bathroom door. "Is there anything that could have set off his panic attack?"

John blushed and looked down at the floor. "I'll tell you some other time."

Peggy gave him a quizzical look but nodded. "I get it," she said. "See you later, Laurens." She smiled again and closed their door, leaving John to watch over Alex.


End file.
